The road close to you...

it's another day to live by in life. i have been grateful to our creator that until now i am still alive, i still breathe and learn to dream again. i have been into so many trials in life and i am here still finding my way to what is really meant for me. i must admit that i am tired of living in this world, i went into different surgeries and yet i am not sure if i want to shout it yes or just take a deep breathe and breathe it out the yes. to me now life is what is i live in a day. i don't dream too much as well as i don't hope a lot.

i have a hard time understanding a lot of things right now in my life, i'm losing my grip already. living life everyday now seems to be normal, no forwards, no taking steps as well. what is today then live with it. i stopped searching for love, for the right person either, no matter how i tried to be the right person for one person yet i am not enough to be one. it always feel like "kulang" and it's been years i am fighting to believe that i deserve to be loved and accepted no matter what but i do have problems on my own that i can't even handle it personally because i am too dependent.

i am 33 and it feels like i am in my 20s. i was stuck and fixated. i don't know how i have lived my life in the past years but it was a painful past accordingly. i want all things to be in right now, to be happy and focus on the positive only but there's a big part in the past that is dragging me that i can't understand. i hate what is in my past and i don't want to remember even a single of it, even if there's always something to look back, still it breaks me and i don't want it.

i wanted to say goodbye the past i have, the past that i understood and i lived it once. they say when people bade goodbye, it means there is something new to start over again and what comes along is always better than what is lost after all. maybe. if i look back and understand, yes it is, i experience pain in the past and live with happiness once after that pain then again it was pain but they say it is okay because i have learn to understand myself, what i want and live the love i want. 

life has to go on, life has to be lived over and over again. it may be painful now but it is not forever. i will find you again one day and along my way to the future.

a part of it ended

after all my confusions a part of it has ended. it hurts a lot once again but maybe i can get through this the same as how and what i did in the past. like i keep on telling myself now that i will and want to focus on the present. i could remember some in the past but most i don't.

it is true that communication is the best foundation of any relationship. you can talk and express what you feel, you will feel numbness, butterfly in your stomach, you will have cold feet and your heart beats so fast but eventually you will learn to embrace it and accept that there were really things that is not really meant to be yours. i felt that pain once again and honestly i don't want to go back that kind of pain, moments and memories. i am in my worst moment in my life those times and i don't want that anymore now, today and tomorrow.

everytime i read all of them, every word confused me but my heart don't because i feel the cold feet, the butterflies in my stomach and everything. i surpassed that feeling and i felt free now. somehow it's clear and gave me a reason not to think of anything except of what will come ahead of me. i am learning a lot of things everyday and there were also things i don't want to such as talking too much or having a conversation personally. i just want life to be simple. no complications.

today and now again life will begin. its like the same year i lost her. i will start from scratch and they say beginning is always the hardest but its the best way. i learn not to get mad about love because i understand that there are really things that no matter you want it if its not for you then its not. and there will always be this one person who will love you for who you are and never leave you no matter what will happen. one day i'm hoping she will come and i will finally meet her, again.

The old road

i woke up and everything is new to me. i may have a lot of confusions but every word i read, i felt something that i could not explain it. there are current things happened in my life that i could not trace it anymore, i could not remember how things happened that way. the most clear and concrete as what i have understood is i lost some of my memories. i did not anticipate this to happen, i don't want this to happen either. i have a hard time of understanding a lot of things especially i can't retrieve the old blog where i used to pour out my emotions years ago.

i am starting it all over now. does it really beginning is the hardest of all? well, i think so, i could still remember how painful i went through when an old love decided to leave. i remember one night, i was blogging and crying but pain did not go away. i carried that pain and when i think of that now, it's still there, it feels so fresh. they told me it was year 2009 and now it's 2013. it's 4 years but what i feel now is like just a few days,  months maybe i don't know.

one made me confused now is looking at my facebook account, i am in a relationship with an old love. i wanted to ask her but i am afraid of any answer she will give me. ever since i am a coward when i know i will get hurt. i always have this trauma in me that i'd rather not know it than knowing it and get hurt. there are some i remember, there are most i don't. i am trying to embrace the situation because no matter what i do, i lost. i can't remember the specific things i wanted to remember.

glad to think that before the operation i saved all the passwords and username. but it surprised me a lot when i opened the accounts. everything is new and unfamiliar. it gave me too much confusion. i still feel hurt and betrayed for i cannot explain reasons.

i was joking that my memory now is like a dalmatian dog. there are scattered patches around. they used timeline so i myself can track what is lost and what is not. the most real i remember was i had a gf of 7 years, she left and had a bf after. and i can't remember what happened after that.

second is i was about to get married but not to an old love. as described, i was  happy and well taken care of. the girl was beautiful the same. when i look at her pictures, what i remember was the friendship and the struggles we both went through. i remember good memories and i can't the bad ones.

third i can't remember my parents separation. they said it was one of the painful events i went through in my life and because of that event life have turned upside down.

i still don't know, i will find answers for this.