The old road

i woke up and everything is new to me. i may have a lot of confusions but every word i read, i felt something that i could not explain it. there are current things happened in my life that i could not trace it anymore, i could not remember how things happened that way. the most clear and concrete as what i have understood is i lost some of my memories. i did not anticipate this to happen, i don't want this to happen either. i have a hard time of understanding a lot of things especially i can't retrieve the old blog where i used to pour out my emotions years ago.

i am starting it all over now. does it really beginning is the hardest of all? well, i think so, i could still remember how painful i went through when an old love decided to leave. i remember one night, i was blogging and crying but pain did not go away. i carried that pain and when i think of that now, it's still there, it feels so fresh. they told me it was year 2009 and now it's 2013. it's 4 years but what i feel now is like just a few days,  months maybe i don't know.

one made me confused now is looking at my facebook account, i am in a relationship with an old love. i wanted to ask her but i am afraid of any answer she will give me. ever since i am a coward when i know i will get hurt. i always have this trauma in me that i'd rather not know it than knowing it and get hurt. there are some i remember, there are most i don't. i am trying to embrace the situation because no matter what i do, i lost. i can't remember the specific things i wanted to remember.

glad to think that before the operation i saved all the passwords and username. but it surprised me a lot when i opened the accounts. everything is new and unfamiliar. it gave me too much confusion. i still feel hurt and betrayed for i cannot explain reasons.

i was joking that my memory now is like a dalmatian dog. there are scattered patches around. they used timeline so i myself can track what is lost and what is not. the most real i remember was i had a gf of 7 years, she left and had a bf after. and i can't remember what happened after that.

second is i was about to get married but not to an old love. as described, i was  happy and well taken care of. the girl was beautiful the same. when i look at her pictures, what i remember was the friendship and the struggles we both went through. i remember good memories and i can't the bad ones.

third i can't remember my parents separation. they said it was one of the painful events i went through in my life and because of that event life have turned upside down.

i still don't know, i will find answers for this.