it's another day to live by in life. i have been grateful to our creator that until now i am still alive, i still breathe and learn to dream again. i have been into so many trials in life and i am here still finding my way to what is really meant for me. i must admit that i am tired of living in this world, i went into different surgeries and yet i am not sure if i want to shout it yes or just take a deep breathe and breathe it out the yes. to me now life is what is i live in a day. i don't dream too much as well as i don't hope a lot.
i have a hard time understanding a lot of things right now in my life, i'm losing my grip already. living life everyday now seems to be normal, no forwards, no taking steps as well. what is today then live with it. i stopped searching for love, for the right person either, no matter how i tried to be the right person for one person yet i am not enough to be one. it always feel like "kulang" and it's been years i am fighting to believe that i deserve to be loved and accepted no matter what but i do have problems on my own that i can't even handle it personally because i am too dependent.
i am 33 and it feels like i am in my 20s. i was stuck and fixated. i don't know how i have lived my life in the past years but it was a painful past accordingly. i want all things to be in right now, to be happy and focus on the positive only but there's a big part in the past that is dragging me that i can't understand. i hate what is in my past and i don't want to remember even a single of it, even if there's always something to look back, still it breaks me and i don't want it.
i wanted to say goodbye the past i have, the past that i understood and i lived it once. they say when people bade goodbye, it means there is something new to start over again and what comes along is always better than what is lost after all. maybe. if i look back and understand, yes it is, i experience pain in the past and live with happiness once after that pain then again it was pain but they say it is okay because i have learn to understand myself, what i want and live the love i want.
life has to go on, life has to be lived over and over again. it may be painful now but it is not forever. i will find you again one day and along my way to the future.
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